It may be known as the season of goodwill but for many families, Christmas means stress, rows and tricky relatives. A Relate counsellor shares top tips with Abi Jackson on how to banish bust-ups this winter.

By Abi Jackson


Picture that perfect scene; two siblings playing gleefully with their new toys, Dad in a chair looking on and glowing with pride, an impeccably-trained Golden Retriever lying quietly by a roaring log fire, Mum serenely gliding in and out, trays of homemade mince pies in hand...

Sound familiar? Perhaps it might if you're in the habit of browsing the 'traditional' section of greeting card shops in the run up to December 25, but the chances are it doesn't resemble anything you've experienced in real life. That doesn't stop most of us from dreaming though, and then feeling bitterly disappointed when we don't achieve that dream.

With the pressure to spend lots of money, the rallying around to get things done and the trying to please everybody, Christmas can be stressful.

For many families, it's also a time when festering feuds reach boiling point.

"We all have this fantasy, don't we, of how Christmas is going to be?" says Christine Northam, a counsellor at Relate, the UK's leading relationship support organisation.

"People get into a stew about it, often because when you 'have' to meet up with family at Christmas any resentments that have built up come to the surface."

In a perfect world, Northam says these resentments would be addressed before December 25.

"Don't do it on Christmas Day, when you've got a couple of glasses of wine inside you. Because then if it goes wrong, it goes horribly wrong," she says.

Indeed, when rows ruin Christmas, alcohol is often a big factor - whether that's because one person drinks too much and starts upsetting everybody else, or simply because it gives somebody the Dutch courage to finally snap back at that spiteful in-law or catty cousin.

If you are dreading your festivities because you're aware such trouble could be brewing or are worried a relative may be drunk and laying into everybody before the turkey's even carved, it could help to address the issue in advance.

"If [a person's] behaviour impacts on everybody else's Christmas, then I think there's a case for addressing it beforehand and going and talking to that person," suggests Northam.

Rather than accusing them of being a troublemaker, be gentle. Make it clear that you'd all like them to spend Christmas with you, but you're concerned about their behaviour, then ask what they think can be done to help, rather than just laying down the law.

"Perhaps say, 'We want to have a nice time and we know that sometimes when you have a drink it gets tricky. Do you think there's any way we can help you so that doesn't happen this Christmas?'" says Northam.

Pulling this off can be easier than said than done. It might help to have a conversation with your partner and other relatives about it first or ultimately, if a situation's particularly difficult and you know it's going to result in everybody being hurt, don't be afraid to consider not spending Christmas all together. If everybody would have a better time apart, this might make sense.

"Sometimes you have to make a unified decision. If someone really can't behave themselves then why should everyone have their Christmas spoiled," notes Northam.

Another potential area of Christmas family conflict is for those who have difficult relationships with teenage offspring. You might be determined to have the whole family playing boardgames and laughing merrily together the whole festive period, but if you can barely get through an hour without bickering, door-slamming or somebody storming out of the house, forcing it could be a recipe for rows.

Compromise could be the key. Sitting down to have a conversation about your plans, and coming to an arrangement that's going to make everybody happy, is a good place to start, says Northam. Perhaps you could agree that if the family all sits down to eat the meal together, they can go to their room for a bit afterwards.

Even families who adore one another, and don't have any hidden conflict, can find themselves tetchy and exasperated during the festive season. Factoring some 'time out' into your to-do list is crucial. Little things, like going for a walk in the fresh air, having half an hour to drink a cup of tea quietly alone, or escaping for a soak in the bath the night before, can make the world of difference.

Christmas isn't all about resolving conflict though - it's also about team work. For example, if you are planning a big gathering - and losing sleep about how you're going to pay for it and manage everything - do yourself a favour and make it a team effort.

"If you're hosting a big party and can't really afford it, then speak to everybody beforehand," says Northam. "You don't have to say you're hard up and ask for money - just say, 'We'd really appreciate it if you could bring the cheese, of if you could bring a pudding, and somebody else brings the port. Turn it into a family thing where everybody contributes."

Making the cooking and organising a team effort too, could be the icing on the (Christmas) cake.

Many of us like the idea of being the perfect host and doing it all ourselves, but be realistic - if it's going to be a nightmare, share it out and delegate, which brings us back to the original point: not thinking things at Christmas have to be 'perfect'.

"I think letting go of this fantasy can be a really good thing, not setting your expectations unreasonably high," says Northam. "Instead of thinking things have to be 100% right, aim for 50% success instead. If 50% of it works, you're doing pretty well!"

:: For more information and advice, visit www.relate.org.uk


Tried and tested

Andy Welch tests home delivery ready meals designed for weight loss


What it is?

Diet Chef is a home delivery diet service that specialises in delivering low calorie ready meals to your door. A hamper contains four weeks' worth of food - three meals a day plus snacks, that aim for a 1200-calorie intake.


What's it like?

It's a bit daunting having a month's food arrive at once. 'Am I really going to eat all that?' is the initial thought, and then there's the storage issue, but once you get past that, it's pretty easy to follow. Breakfast options, which include a choice of cereal bars, flavoured porridges and muesli, are all tasty; lunch is largely made up of different soups - avoid the pretty awful tasting parsnip and chilli variety; while dinner options are by far the best. Chicken chasseur, vegetable chilli, and beef meatballs are particularly good, all you need to do is cook a modest portion of pasta, rice or whatever you fancy to make it a full meal, while dessert can be a snack bar and some fruit. The various biscuits and snacks are, too, better than you'd expect, and don't really give the impression you're on a diet. Taste aside, the aim is of course weight loss. There were only a few days where I actually felt hungry and, even allowing for the odd day when I slipped, I managed to lose about 4kg in the space of four weeks, which is impressive. It's not cheap, but it is easy to follow. It's also quite nice not having to do much shopping for a few weeks...


Information

Diet Chef £245 for four weeks including delivery and available from www.dietchef.co.uk

:: Amended version: 'Diet Chef' costs £245 a month

:: For more information and advice, visit www.relate.org.uk